Here it is.... a beautiful sunday afternoon. I just got in from the pool. I didn't swim but, just read the paper. Of course, it wouldn't be the same without a couple of Heinekins! The weather is getting warmer and I long for those summer days. I went for a hike this morning and there were so many cars, I had to go to a different spot! Which turned out to be a great journey. I love Sundays, especially spring and summer. I took a cool shower and am going to BBQ in a few. My dog lies on the cool ground outside my bedroom door which leads only feet away from the pool. I love my home. Quiet. However, I need company, to distract me. I am feeling a bit restless alone. At the same time I get excited and yearn to feel a body next to me. I am shy to go out. I am not sure why? Is it because I spent most of my youth in bars and clubs and now that I have grown up a bit, I am tired by the scene. How is it that you can't find people or new friends shopping or at the movies, or at the post office, or...... At some point I am going to have to make the plunge and get back out there, I know it. I am just trying really hard to get up the gusto to do it. My friends say I am pretty cutIe, They think I am funny, they say I'm a catch....So, what gives? DO I look in the mirror and say MY GOD! Lose a few pounds will ya? DO I look in the mirror and say MY GOD is that a pimple? Do I look in the mirror and say MY GOD get off your butt and go out! Yep I do, but, do I? Nope. But, then I think of the day Ihad today and it all comes together. How much closer to fine has this afternoon been. Just Delightful.

Drove into the city today to have brunch with a girlfriend who I have not seen in over 6 months. We talked about what has been going on in our lives and then she tells me... She is BiPolar and has been for three years. I was neither shocked nor dismayed just genuinely concerned. We talked about the dark days, the rollercoaster afternoons and the suicidal evenings. I am not sure why I did not see the signs since it draws on the  same field as my career. Did I not want to see it? I felt as though her explanation of the torment and rage she encountered was clearly raw and recent. Would she later wonder why she told me. We laughed for a while and then said our goodbyes. I got in my car and drove through Golden Gate park. What a beautiful day, a little windy but, the sun was shining and I continued to the great hwy headed home. What an amazing place I live, what an amazing life I have, what an amazing day. I feel lucky today. I am glad she is getting healthy again. She laughs as if noone is in the room, makes me feel so humble.

Caught me by surprise! She stopped by the office today to repay a Superbowl bet, which I thought might have just been a friendly exchange of who really was going to win. She saw me with some colleagues having coffee and yells "I have something for you!" I stated back "Oh I know you do!" I got up and she followed me to my office. She shoves $100 bucks in my pocket and I thought for a moment how forward of her and then I thought....How absolutely fucking brave of her! She read a card which was on my desk, that went along with 30 beautiful tulips. She inquired briefly about the flowers then had to leave. She called later more inquisitive then before. My cell phone happens to be on my business card so I am driving home and another call. "Let's have lunch next friday?" I said ok. What do I want from her? I don't know her from Adam! This is just our third meeting. But, whatever the case, I smiled today. Today on Valentines day.

I took a drive down the coast to Santa Cruz this afternoon, just to get out of the house and think. There were a million other things I should have done today, but chose not to. Funny thing, time. It sure has a way of catching up to you. I am in a rut! Single and celebate for over a year now. Not that it matters, but it does. Not getting any younger yet, I don't go out, I don't have the friends I used to have and have realized I have beccome somewhat of a recluse. What in the world am I thinking? I am a beautiful woman who could use to lose 10lbs. But, what woman couldn't except a skinny looking Nicole Richie. Do I really believe that some gorgeous woman with whom all ideals and intrigues and commons are the same as what I am looking for, and is SHE just going to knock on my door and say I have been looking for you! I seriously doubt it. The group of girls I do know are older, either involved or bitter and a little more masculine than what I am looking for. Do I look out the window as i drive wishing someone was next to me holding my hand as I drive, you bet. I must get out of this funk. The girls I work with want to go out for a drink. They are all straight and although I enjoy their company at work, heading out after a long day to have a mediocre margarita at a place called Chilis is not my idea of a fun time. Am I being too materialistic? Should I really give Chilis a try? I used to be so fun, energetic,  and easygoing. Now I work 10-12 hours a day and come home to have a manhattan and unwind with my dog. I think about moving to the city, then I remember why I left LA. Too busy, now I am too bored. I feel if I write this stuff down maybe some answers will come to me. If nothing comes from today it was a beautiful sunday drive